Changes All Around

In which I am vulnerable about some big feelings..

I struggled this week, especially for the 48 or so hours starting late afternoon of Christmas Eve. I felt lonely, unworthy, fragile, and generally let-down. I found myself in tears or nearly in tears much of that time. After a quick check of my medication (had taken it on time, last change to dosage was two months ago) and realizing hormones weren’t the cause, either, I brought it up to Matt, though he had sensed something wasn’t quite right with me. That I looked “bummed” or “sad.” He encouraged me to not be alone for awhile, turn up the lights, snuggle in the blankets, and try to find something to distract me. On Christmas Eve, the solution was to put on The Muppet’s Christmas Carol which, apparently, I hadn’t actually seen in years.

Then, though, we had to try to figure out the why of it all when it all came flooding back the next day. There were lots of theories, but eventually realized it’s all about how my life right now is so different than it was last year.

I left a job where I felt like I was working with my extended family. We knew each other well enough to be able to push each other’s buttons and express our opinions at volume while also being able to have great, deep conversations. I got to see many of them at a party a few weeks ago and it was like a family reunion. I truly miss them.

In leaving that job, I also left behind a role where a lot was on my shoulders, the pace was quick, our work very visible, and the expectations impossibly high. My current role is far more relaxed in terms of everything - dress code, no core hours, not sitting on site with the government, deadlines that are reasonable, and even an easier commute. I haven’t felt like I needed to wait until 2 pm to have lunch a single day nor had to take a long walk up and down the side of the building for 30 minutes while venting to a coworker.

Matt also switched jobs to one that’s less stressful and has allowed him to travel both to New York and Paris, the later of which he extended to include mini solo vacations. In the two years prior, he’d only traveled three times without me for more than a weekend so I was very out of practice handling everything around here.

My MIL moved in with us. We went through a good five months of regular hospital visits and changing medications and her health going up and down like a sine wave. We also have had to dose and give medications twice a day, take her to appointments and tests and scans, and what seems like a never-ending list of administrative tasks to have her become a Virginia resident and have us in control of her finances (versus a weird split between her and my FIL). And, of course, get used to having another person in our house.

Tied closely to the holidays, Lizzy is now twelve so how she views Christmas has changed. Santa isn’t a thing. She doesn’t have a big list of stuff she wants, relying on us to get things we think she’s like. She had to be made to come downstairs around 8 am versus being up at the crack of dawn. She seems to really enjoy gifting things like charcuterie earrings for my MIL, an “I’m surrounded by idiots” t-shirt with Scar from Lion King on it, and some subtly scented candles and earrings for me.

I am in a weird place spiritually and have moved entirely away from any sort of religious community. I only went to church a handful of times at the start of year and stepped away entire from attending services and participating in church leadership in mid-April. I’ve thought about trying out another church but am not sure if it’s out of a real longing for the spiritual aspects (which doesn’t require church attendance) or being part of a community (which I can get elsewhere) or out of obligation/guilt as I was raised in the church. Probably all of the above.

Similarly, I usually really enjoy the Advent season and everything that comes with it but the closest I got to participating was reading a handful of posts from Kate Bowler in her Advent series. I didn’t have that usual hopeful anticipation for Christmas that was tied to something deeper, just excited to have a chance to give gifts and enjoy holiday-themed books, music, movies.

There’s also been changes in family dynamics with putting in place new boundaries with Matt’s dad and my mom.

And did I mention that I’ve stepped back some with Lizzy’s Girl Scout troop? The girls now (mostly) run their meetings and other adults have really stepped up to take on tasks from camping to cookies to special events over the last two years. The last few meetings I did nothing more than provide a place to meet and help out when things turned to chaos.

So, yeah, it’s a lot. And I guess the holiday and all of the end-of-year lists and reflection journaling prompts out there got it all swirling around in my brain. Thankfully, I was able to knock myself out of the funk and am feeling tons better. I’d say 80% of it was identifying why I was feeling so blah with the remaining bits of allowing myself to ugly cry and otherwise wallow, spending more time with Matt, distracting myself, and getting more Lizzy hugs.

Do the holidays ever get you down? What do you do to get yourself back to your normal baseline?

[Yes, I did watch the last episode of Heated Rivalry which was an emotional gut-punch, as were all of the previous episodes. The series includes but really isn’t about attractive young men getting naked with each other. It’s about the yearning and strife and pure joy of love and the complications of being queer when you’re in a profession where that’s not “acceptable.” I cannot recommend it enough, even if you’re not a reader of romance. And you can amuse yourself with the knowledge that the creator also worked on Letterkenny and Shorsey.]